We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
