Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
