You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
