is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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