my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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