We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I want is dick and wine.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
