**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize