Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Come on in and take your pants off
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