I have demons in me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
