Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she peed on how many people?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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