Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
