so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
