Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
