Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
