Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
