I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
