She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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