i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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