Please don't use social media to get back at me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
