Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
