Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
