I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
