i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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