I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
