I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
