I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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