well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
