As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
