Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
