Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
