we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
