All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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