I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
