grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
