dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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