I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
