We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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