I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
