I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
