Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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