There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
