why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
