I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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