all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I want a musical about memes.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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