she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No subtext here. People are naked.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
