Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
