just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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