how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
