On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
