my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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