I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
