420 ftw
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
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