I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
