I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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