Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize