Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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