dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
