So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
